July 2023

Oh my GOD U GUYSSSSSSSS promoting yourself on social media is so weirdddd. Like it sounds dumb but I swear, waking up everyday, sitting in front of a camera, and trying to convince a bunch of strangers that you’re worth paying attention to is WEIRD and also EXHAUSTING okay? And just know that I KNOW I look foolish. I am well aware. Don’t worry. But we gotta do what we gotta do. I’m done complaining now tho bc life is good. The only reason I’m spending so much time and effort on promotion is because I’m releasing music I’ve never been prouder of. That’s definitely something to celebrate. And it’s funny, because this month I released “Feels So Good” (STREAM!!!!!!!!) but my mind has been on the next song and the one after that and everything that goes into those releases, and the visuals, and the promotion, etc. etc. That’s what’s consumed my every waking day (and sometimes dreams as well bc a bitch is INVESTED).

(Me knocking over the backdrop during the feels so good photo shoot)

“Feels So Good” was my everyday back in like, May. But I'm trying to sit in the excitement of releasing that song, because I am genuinely so proud of it, and it marks the beginning of a whole ERA of music that I've been making and having so much fun with. In fact, to me, this era has exceeded just experimenting with new styles of music and embracing my pop side. I am fully invested in building a world around this music, these soundscapes. I see stories and such specific images when I close my eyes and write these lyrics, there are certain colors and tones and styles of art and cinema that all swirl around me when I listen to the demos of these tracks. To fully realize them and bring them to life is no small feat. It’s my biggest undertaking yet.

I’m testing my range and pushing my own artistic boundaries in regards to what I'm willing to share about myself and what characters I can embody. I feel like I'm building a persona that’s bigger than me, especially when it comes to my visuals. I’m filming my most challenging music video ever this month and man it feels like i’m one girl doing ten jobs, PLUS putting myself out there more than I ever have - It’s this dichotomy of assuming an extreme role of responsibility and power while simultaneously feeling my most vulnerable. I want to be as in-control of my artist narrative as I possibly can while still being able to admit to myself that I don't know exactly how to market a persona that feels so shapeless to me. This fluidity is both a blessing and a curse - it’s not everyday that I come across people who truly understand what I'm trying to do here, both collaborator and consumer-wise. But I believe finding those gems who are willing to commit to this journey with me is as fulfilling as it gets.

(KITTEN ON SET!!!!!! That’s the only bts ur getting sorry)

And what did I say in last month’s journal? About the butterfly phase? Because I'm getting there. I’m taking up wayyy more space. It’s a bit of a struggle though because I didn’t realize how much shame I have around taking up space like this, expressing myself fully, being okay when I'm not agreed with or when someone I admire doesn’t see my vision. Like LITERALLY shame around being my own person. I’ve said multiple times to myself this month that I don't know who I am, but I do. I’m just scared of what choosing to be her, like FULLY be her, will cost me. She’s messy, and she doesn’t have all the answers, and she could come off as cringe, or tasteless, or a whole host of unflattering adjectives. She could lose me the approval of people I've fought so hard to get respect from. But all the people I respect most do not give a flying fuck what I think about their artistic decisions. That’s their heart. They couldn’t change it if they wanted to. What I admire most about them is exactly this - how there is either being themselves or being nothing. No in-between, no watered down version, no half them / half what others think they should be. So why am I so afraid?

Being perceived in a good light was my be-all-end-all as a kid who started in this industry at the age of 10. It was survival. It was how I kept jobs. How I gained mentors, how little me ensured I wouldn't be alone in bringing my dreams to life. But now that I’m twelve years older and really really going for what I truly want, I’m realizing just how much I have to leave behind in order to fully step into myself. Maybe there’s a way to have it all, but it doesn’t feel like a happy option to me. I feel this deep and persistent desire to become unrecognizable to my old self and to those who played big roles in my old life.

- Ash