I feel a little late to the journal entry writing this month. It’s been hectic with the EP release, which I’ve spent the past few weeks very focused on. BUT NAVIGATING GALAXIES IS OFFICIALLY OUT EVERYWHERE FUCK YEAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I’m honestly feeling really proud about this little project of voice memos. I could go on and on about it, but that’s what the press section of this website is for. But let’s just say those lyrics get even more personal than these journal entries do. Songwriting is so validating that I can’t help but put the most vulnerable parts of me into it - I feel stronger after facing myself like that.
(brainstorm drawing of the EP cover art/press shoot)
There have been two very distinct themes to March for me:
I’d be lying if I said health actually had the number one spot on that very small list of priorities in the past, but that’s changing right now, I promise!!! But y’all it’s hard bc you don't get praised and respected for being healthy the same way you do when you’re successful or relevant through work. But apparently, the latter is causing issues for the former, and a chain of events has led me to finally come face to face with just how drastically I’m affected by my addiction to success.
Somewhere down the line of choosing songwriting and entertainment in general as a career path, I switched from chasing success as a means of sustaining an artistic lifestyle that made me really happy to chasing success for success’s sake. I won’t lie, I want to feel the praise that my peers give celebrities - that I give to celebrities. I want the relief of knowing that I leave something of importance in my wake once I leave this planet, that I matter enough for people to say my name when I’m not around to hear it. And I don’t think that’s a desire to be ashamed of. I am, however, realizing it’s something that’s gonna cause me a lot of grief in my lifetime, linking happiness and fame. I think it’s something I might regret focusing on so intensely on my deathbed, when I realize all I really take with me in the end is my own experience of this body and this world, but I’ve spent all that precious time trying to make as many people as possible love me; that’s something i’ll never actually be in control of no matter how much I manipulate.
(one of my writing spots - blackwood coffee in WeHo)
So as my mindset’s been shifting from outcomes to the process itself, I’ve been having SUCH A GOOD TIME with music and creativity in general. And look, I know it’s common knowledge that fame, especially this breed of instant gratification and widespread short-lived trends we see these days on tiktok, is pretty empty. But just because my logical self knows this doesn’t mean that my ego isn’t STARVING for attention after watching so many ppl my age (and younger, which hurts sometimes) get their 15 minutes and bask in it. Almost like I’ve become entitled to recognition.
Once upon a time music was my strongest form of therapy, not the reason I needed it. And I feel myself unlearning and unraveling the part of me that started to see art as a vehicle to a glittery destination, instead of as the destination itself. There’s nowhere I need to be. I exist and art pours out, and I can’t truly control what happens with it.
See u next month. Happy spring!
Side note: kinda wanting to drastically change hair colors. That might be happening soon.