Am I writing this in October? Yes. I procrastinated, not to mention your girl’s been BUSYYYYY. But September was wild. I was hardly home, which I loved. I’m writing this from London, actually. I drank too much last week and now I’m paying the price, so here we are taking fever medicine and drinking mug after mug of hot tea, hoping to come back to life as the day goes on.
(while I’m a firm believer that food in LA is superior, London does hot chocolate WAY better)
September cracked me open a little bit. I think there were some beliefs of mine that had to go. Beliefs about people who have hurt me, about the kind of person I truly am, about what’s good for me, and about how true to myself I'm ACTUALLY being these days. And I was JUST getting comfortable with those beliefs. How frustrating. In all of this crumbling madness I'm expecting myself to know exactly what to do with my confusion. As an artist I tend to find my heavy emotions useless when I can't write about them. But I’ve been trying to and it just makes everything worse and more confusing. I write myself into spirals for the sake of making sure my heartache serves others. Maybe I just need to sit. Maybe I just need to let life wash over me for a while as I process things. Now's not the time to draw up new theories for how my life should be lived, or even to justify what I'm needing now. I’m running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to find the peace that time will grant me naturally.
(my train buddy while traveling through the UK this month I named him Rascal)
(Liverpool Docks)
I’m sorry if this all sounds vague. There are some details that are best kept close to me, or at least shared through song lyrics. Speaking of, i’m still so fucking excited about “Cool Girl” coming out. Usually while one of my songs is in the production phase, I listen to it over and over again to the point of being kinda sick of it by the time release day comes around. But not this one. The fact that even I still bump this one constantly is big for me. Thank you to everyone who’s been listening, and to everyone who’s used my DMs as a personal diary to tell me about the situations they’re in that make them relate to the song. During a month that’s felt a bit lonely at times it is really the best thing ever to know that through music I'm always connected to you guys. Also idk if ya'll saw but…an album is coming. And sooner than you think. Official announcements coming soon, but not after a few more surprises ;)
I need to give myself more grace. That’s a goal of mine now that we’re beginning a new month. I’m doing my best to keep my head above water, to listen to my intuition, to know when things feel right and when things really don't, even if my mind can’t fully make sense of it. I want to be able to take everything I've lived through and make art out of it, but it feels too soon - almost like digging into a wound before it’s even scabbed over. How would I ever heal? I hope that making the choice to focus on other, happier things as I'm rebuilding doesn’t cost me some good songs. I hope that I'll find out my instincts were right and end up creating something really beautiful out of this chaos. But I'm still fully immersed. I need some dust to settle before I can make sense of my life and transmute all of these wild emotions into music. Transmute. I like that word. It makes me feel like an alchemist.
I'll let you know how it all goes,
- Ash
Comentarios